We’ve heard it so many times that men are from mars and women are from venus.
It’s so easy to get lost when trying to work out what your man really wants from you.
That’s why getting to grips with the hero instinct — his fundamental biological drive — can really help make sure Mr Right falls for you. And ensure that you create a happy and harmonious relationship.
What’s the secret to triggering this primal drive within him?
In this article, you’ll find out everything you need to know to use these powers of seduction in your everyday life.
What is the hero instinct?
The hero instinct is a form of relationship psychology first coined by James Bauer in his popular book His Secret Obsession.
Basically, a man wants to feel needed by you. The hero instinct says that a guy has to feel like he’s constantly rescuing his damsel in distress or saving the day somehow.
If he can’t put his masculine charms to good use, he’ll end up feeling undervalued and emasculated. This is disastrous for your relationship.
When a man doesn’t feel essential to you, it’s difficult for him to emotionally bond with you or fall for you. And if you’re in a relationship but not triggering his hero instinct, he’s likely to lose interest.
What really drives a man is this deep down biological drive to protect and care for their loved ones.
Watch this exclusive video by James Bauer, the expert who discovered the hero instinct (this video is not widely available). He reveals a “12-word text” you can send your man that will trigger your man’s hero instinct today.
How do I trigger his hero instinct? 18 ways that really work
1) Ask for help
One of the most fundamental tricks to setting off your man’s hero instinct centres around allowing him to feel useful to you.
That’s why asking him for help or little favours is a great way to do it. It’s really important to point out that doesn’t mean being a victim or helpless.
Your man isn’t looking for a totally demanding Princess who isn’t prepared to do anything for herself.
On the contrary, he wants you to be the strong capable woman you are. So you certainly don’t need to play that down in order to build him up.
The fact that you are so competent, makes you asking for his help more significant.
You’re able to do almost anything for yourself, so the praise and regard being bestowed on him when you seek his help is even more of a boost to his self-esteem.
2) Celebrate his wins
Ultimately your man is constantly looking for your admiration. Winning it makes him feel special.
If you show him that his successes and wins in life don’t go unnoticed, he can see that he’s succeeding in getting your approval.
Picture a child who is never told “well done” or celebrated by their parents. Of course, he is a grown man, but don’t underestimate how much we all need praise from the most important people in our life.
We can feel quickly neglected or dejected if we never receive it. Make sure that you are his number one cheerleader in life.
3) Big him up and never tear him down
We all know that a little bit of flattery goes a long way, and the same goes for triggering his hero instinct too.
That’s because, at the end of the day, we all have egos. And one of the best ways to give it a healthy little boost is with a compliment.
This may be as simple as letting him know that he looks great in that new shirt. It could be boasting about his hard-earned promotion when you go around for dinner with your folks.
The hero instinct means that your man needs to feel respected when he’s around his peers. So that definitely means treating him well whenever you’re with his friends.
Whilst joking and a little bit of teasing is all part of a playful relationship, you certainly want to avoid belittling, mocking or criticising him when you’re hanging out with his buddies.
There’s a time and a place for airing disputes and it’s not whilst he’s with his friends.
4) Don’t go overboard with the praise
Now would probably be a good time to say that even though the previous few points to trigger his hero instinct have been about allowing him to feel good — there are limits to this praise.
He wants to feel like a real man, and if you go overboard with it all, it can come across as a bit condescending.
He’s not a toddler, he’s a grown-ass man. So it isn’t about giving him stars on his good behaviour chart or telling him he’s a very good boy for eating up all his vegetables.
Of course, you would never do these things, but I’m just trying to highlight — don’t lay it on too thick.
If you do, he’ll suss that it’s not genuine praise and it loses its impact.
5) Let him see that he makes you happy
We all want to know that we make our partners’ lives all the better, simply by being ourselves. Your man is no different.
You being happy, smiling, laughing and enjoying his company are physical and verbal cues to him that he is doing this.
I’m not saying you have to plaster on a smile even when you’re furious with him or feeling super sad. But if you love your life with him, be clear about that. If being in his company brings you joy, don’t be afraid to show it.
As the saying goes, “happy wife, happy life”.
6) Encourage his goals
You believing in your man is like jet fuel to him. If he has goals and ambitions in life or his career, your encouragement will mean the world to him.
That’s why he needs to hear from you that you believe in him, you know he can accomplish whatever he sets his mind to. That you are confident that his skills and abilities will take him wherever he wants to go.
Having a supportive woman by his side will help him feel like a true hero who can conquer the world.
7) Show him he’s your bae
Admittedly if you’ve only just started dating or are still seeing other people, this way to trigger his hero instinct may not apply to you just yet. But if you are in a serious and committed relationship, don’t leave him in any doubt that he is the man for you.
Rather than just being a cute nickname, “before anyone else” is a good reminder of how your man really wants to feel.
You can show him this through the more subtle attention you pay to him — things like loving looks and gentle touches.
But you can also tell him too. Don’t be afraid to declare how important he is to you. We all like a bit of lovey-dovey romance in life.
Remember that the best way to trigger the hero instinct is through this 12-word text. Discover the 12-word text right here.
8) Keep him on his toes
Men love a challenge. Feeling like they have tackled a task and come out winning offers a high that only comes whenever we master something.
It’s important to realise that we’re not talking about “the chase” when it comes to wooing a woman.
This is different. It’s not about you playing hard to get to spark his interest. Instead, this type of challenge is about giving him something new to do.
For example, asking him for help with something that requires him to rise to the occasion and step up his talents — things like trying a new activity or sport, or something that puts his brain to work.
9) Tell him “thank you”
Gratitude is a total superpower in life that has almost magical powers of transformation.
Think I’m exaggerating?
You might be surprised to learn just how potent a little bit of gratitude can be. Studies have shown it not only has individual benefits to us, but is also a “social glue” that strengthens all relationships — including romantic relationships.
When you show gratitude for whatever he does for you, it allows him to feel appreciated — which is a big part of the hero instinct.
Not only that, but it strengthens and encourages that positive behaviour which provoked your praise.
That means the more you say thank you, the more he will seek that reinforcement by continuing to treat you right.
10) Encourage his playtime
As well as supporting his bigger goals and ambitions in life, supporting his other interests is also a great way to trigger his hero instinct.
Whether he loves rock climbing, gaming, or chess — regardless of if it makes sense to you or not — let him know that you encourage his independence to pursue his own hobbies.
You never want to act moody for him wanting to spend time on his passions, even if they’re not something you share.
Of course, it’s all about balance and he’ll obviously need to make plenty of time for you too. But be sure to let him know that you are happy for him to do his own thing.
He needs to feel like his own man, and any attempts to heavily restrict this will make him feel controlled.
11) Make him feel manly
Allowing your guy to feel manly doesn’t need to be as contrived as it may sound. It’s actually the very simple everyday things that can help do this.
That might be opening a jar, reaching for something on the top shelf, or lifting heavier objects.
Think about a time when a man has offered to carry your heavy suitcase up the stairs of the train station (or a similar situation), and picture the look of pride on their face.
You can tell that they get a buzz from the feeling that they’ve “rescued” you. Which is great as it saves you struggling as you try and drag 55lbs worth of luggage behind you.
12) Let him take care of you
This can be in a physical and emotional way.
For instance, have you ever noticed that your man always walks on the outside of you, so that he’s the one next to the traffic? This is his hero instinct in action.
He’s often not even aware of the many ways it may show up, but if he cares, he will feel compelled to nurture you and do things for you.
13) Let him protect you
A study published in the Physiology & Behavior journal found that testosterone within a man makes him protective over his mate’s safety and general wellbeing.
This highlights what we’ve been saying about your man’s desire to protect you being quite literally hardwired in him.
Protection doesn’t have to mean acting all macho and seeing off other guys, it’s simply about making you feel safe around him.
14) Allow his masculine energy to flow
Within all of us, there is a natural balance of masculine and feminine energy. This shows up and presents itself differently in each of us.
Whatever way his masculine energy manifests (as long as it’s healthy, not harmful of course), it should be supported.
What I mean is allow him to express his masculinity in the way that feels good to him, rather than expecting him to feel, think and act exactly the same way that you do.
15) Ask him to fix something around the house
A lot of the hero instinct boils down to enabling a man to feel useful.
That’s why anything that he can do for you which you can’t do for yourself or that you need some help with is a fantastic way to trigger his hero instinct.
So for all the guys who are good with their hands, don’t be shy in asking them to put that to good use.
Maybe your washing machine has stopped working and you have no idea why, or that new bookshelf has remained in its flatpack packaging for way too long.
If there’s a bit of DIY that he can help you out with, this is an easy way to allow him to feel vital to you.
16) Don’t mother him
All relationships need to have the right balance of give and take.
When you really like someone or love them, it can be tempting to keep giving and giving. Yet the nurturing always needs to go both ways.
Often something bizarre happens when people give too much — the other person can end up not doing their half and all that extra effort actually goes unappreciated.
Yes show you care, but don’t undermine his ability to care for and make decisions for himself, as well as for you too.
16) Ask for his advice
Hopefully, it should be clear by now that the main way to trigger the hero instinct is making your man feel needed and valued.
That’s why whenever you’re facing a tricky situation or problem of some kind, seeking his advice is going to also get you some serious hero instinct points.
Whether that’s a situation at work or some kind of issue with friends or family — turn to your man for his counsel to make him know you respect him.
Click here to watch the hero instinct video (it’s very un-PC).
17) Get a little old fashioned
The idea may seem a little outdated at first sight, but we’re talking about those little gentlemanly acts that show he is making an effort.
It certainly doesn’t mean returning to any sexist notions of what a man or a woman’s place is in the world. It’s more the simple acts of chivalry that allow him to feel like a real gent.
Sure, we know you are perfectly capable of opening the door for yourself, but you being impressed with those charming displays of manners trigger his hero instinct.
It could be loaning you his coat, offering to carry a heavy bag or even pulling out your chair when you go out to dinner.
Don’t dismiss or reject these polite and affectionate tokens from your man.
18) Be gracious
Sometimes we can fall into the trap of thinking it’s more polite to avoid “burdening” someone else by accepting their help.
But this is one of the worst attitudes to adopt if you want to trigger a man’s hero instinct.
In your mind, you may see refusing his offers of assistance as being the independent and self-reliant person that you are.
But saying no, or telling a man you can do it for yourself too many times is not just sending a message that you got this — it’s also sending him a subtle message that you don’t really need him.
As we’ve discussed, feeling needed by the woman he cares for is essential to a guy.
So remember to be gracious about his efforts, rather than dismissing them. Instead, strive to accept his compliments, favours and kindness with courtesy.
I’ve just skimmed the surface about what the hero instinct is about in this article. To learn the exact texts you can send and phrases you can say to your man to trigger his hero instinct, check out this incredible free video by James Bauer.
Can a gifted advisor help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to someone with special intuition.
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