James Bauer is a world-renowned relationship psychologist who’s revolutionized the world of dating.
That may sound like an exaggeration, but it’s not.
Bauer’s book His Secret Obsession in particular is a fascinating look at the missing key to love and romance in the 21st Century.
Here’s what I can say for sure:
His book has changed my life. Bauer’s outlook isn’t just “unique” or interesting, it’s life-changing.
If Bauer was all talk I wouldn’t care, but he backs it up with action. Taking a look at Bauer’s background and work, it’s clear to see that he’s serious about success.
James Bauer believes romance isn’t dead
James Bauer is a relationship psychologist with a long background as a dating and relationship coach.
He’s helped many women find love and overcome a lack of romance in their relationships.
Bauer’s professional motto is “be irresistible” and he teaches women to embody that quality in their dating life.
As Bauer notes, his goal is to elevate a “special set of qualities that emanate from feelings of happiness, true confidence, and a kind of inner beauty that pulls at a man’s heartstrings.”
Bauer didn’t come by his expertise easily. He had a female friend who was going through intense heartbreak when he discovered the key to love and how it applied to her situation.
Bauer was working as a relationship coach for men, women, and couples when his friend told him about her problem.
She knew that he was knowledgeable and had a deep background in psychology and she wanted his take on what was going on. Love and romance were not working out for her at all and she felt defeated by life.
Bauer immediately saw the problem and began advising his friend. Her love life turned around.
As Bauer says:
“Human behavior and relationships have always been an obsession of mine. But this experience awakened my passion for finding and sharing those rare nuggets of insight that have the transformative power of a hundred similar insights combined.”
The big discovery Bauer made was a combination of all his research.
He was able to uncover and specify exactly what makes men tick (it’s not just football, beer, and sex).
He found what makes a man fall in love or ghost someone. He found the key to unlocking a life of love instead of a life of disappointment.
Why I’m obsessed with His Secret Obsession
His Secret Obsession is Bauer’s landmark book. It’s probably saved more relationships than all the couples therapists in the world.
As you can tell, I’m kind of obsessed with His Secret Obsession.
That’s because the easy-to-read, clear book is like hearing everything I always wondered about love and attraction spelled out step by step. It’s all right there on the page and it all makes perfect sense.
Better yet is that it actually works.
This book is not about gimmicks or “tricks.” It’s built on solid relationship psychology and it explains why men fall in love or don’t fall in love.
Simple as that.
His Secret Obsession explains the core principle that drives men to commit or to run. It dives deep into evolutionary psychology and biology without being overly complex. It tells you how to win a man’s heart without being preachy or corny.
Bauer’s explanation of the hero instinct and how to trigger it is extremely helpful and easy to follow.
In fact, Bauer even boils everything down into the hero instinct 12-word text, which I have now memorized by heart.
The 12-word text is related to everything else in the book, but it’s a great way to summarize and remember the key ways to trigger the hero instinct which Bauer outlines in His Secret Obsession.
Bauer’s key concept that changes everything
Bauer’s concept of the hero instinct isn’t hard to understand, but many people get it wrong.
After hearing the main idea they think it’s just about praising a man and being submissive to him. Then they watch their relationship wither and die.
Because the hero instinct is not about a return to being a caveman. It’s not about a misogynistic thing at all.
Triggering the hero instinct is about finding that magic balance between your masculine and feminine energies in the relationship and setting it to work in both of your favor.
Men have a deep need from primordial times to be a protector and a provider. Modern life has increasingly taken that from them.
We just don’t “need” men as much anymore as a society. And that hurts men and leads them to losing attraction and engagement with those around them.
The same thing goes in their relationships.
If a woman is too independent and outwardly “masculine,” a man will not tend to see her as a long-term partner.
His attraction for her will fade quickly, and his hero instinct will not kick in.
Triggering the hero instinct is a matter of letting your man be a protector and provider without faking it or trying too hard.
Getting the hero instinct right
As I wrote, many people get the hero instinct wrong. They think it’s just about letting a man ‘roid out and turn into a good old boy.
That’s not it. It’s a lot more subtle and a lot more on the emotional level.
Yes, emotional: guys have feelings too.
And if you don’t tap into their true, core feelings and drives they’re not going to see you as long-term or wife material.
Harsh, but true.
That’s why you have to learn Bauer’s tips for triggering the hero instinct.
This includes showing you the various signals you can send out that will get him to let out his inner-hero and bond to you on a deep level:
- The I owe you signal
- The private island signal
- The ex back signal to get back a man you’ve lost
- The glimpse technique to show him a part of you he’s never seen
- The damsel in distress signal
- The silent action signals and eye contact
- How to use X-ray questions and mind meld technique
- The fascination signal and conversation boosters
- The secret that makes relationships last or die long-term
In addition, Bauer teaches you practical ways to trigger your man’s hero instinct. A few of the most powerful lessons include these seven tips:
1) Getting your guy to help out
When you ask your guy for help, his inner caveman coos with pleasure.
Even if it’s something really basic like screwing in a lightbulb when you genuinely want his assistance he can feel it.
Don’t humor him or ask just because James Bauer advised it. Instead, think of all those small things you do as a woman but which would be even better if a kind and strong man would just do them for you.
So instead of obeying that inner “independent woman” instinct that tells you to go it alone, ask for help. His hero instinct will start getting triggered after it becomes part of a pattern.
2) Cheering on your man
You want to do your best to be your man’s biggest cheerleader. Do it in a natural, fun way.
Make eyes at him and show him you love his rippling muscles and impressive skills. Stroke his hair while he talks about a promotion at work.
He’ll notice the support and he’ll get a soul-boner from it. There’s no way to really go wrong with this one unless you overdo it.
Don’t applaud your guy just because he walked in the door after work. Make him earn it a little bit and he’ll appreciate that fully.
3) Staying away from melodrama
Getting your guy to help you out and showing him you’re impressed and admiring his masculine qualities are two key ingredients of triggering the hero instinct.
But if you overdo it or shower him with kisses constantly it can actually backfire.
He’ll start taking your love for granted and think of you more like a background prop. He’ll assume he can have affection, sex, and attention whenever he wants.
And he’ll act accordingly.
Even the most considerate guy will start being a little bit cocky when he thinks you will give him full love no matter what.
4) Giving him love around his friends and yours
Your guy may not be the type who goes for PDAs (public displays of affection), but when I say give him love in front of his friends I’m talking more about support and affection.
You don’t have to literally make out in front of the jukebox or wink at him constantly when you come to see him on lunch break at work.
Play it cool here if you want his hero instinct to rise up.
Showing his friends that you care about and support him is a big way to win your guy’s trust and love. He’ll be able to tell fully that you’re on his side and that you’re proud of him and showing him off to your friends and his.
5) Allowing him to pamper you
Men love when the woman they love is happy. If they get the impression that you don’t want them to look after you, men will start to withdraw.
So send the opposite signal: make it clear you want him to help you out and pamper you in any way.
Some great ideas are the following, and if your guy does this then let him continue on with the trend:
- Buying you thoughtful gifts
- Giving you foot rubs or massages
- Arranging a spa weekend for you and your girls
- Helping you out with advice and comfort in hard times
- Taking you on a surprise vacation
- Anything else thoughtful and amazing that he wants to do for you!
6) Backing up his passions
Your man may be a fanatic about NASCAR racing or rare stamp collecting, but no matter what it is you should back him up.
Encourage him to take time out to do what he loves and buy him gifts that reflect on what he loves to do.
The only bias you should have here is urging him a bit towards the more typically masculine interests he has. This is not a form of pressure or trying to make him a certain way at all.
It’s more about gently guiding him to embrace his masculine side as you do the same for your feminine side.
The result is a hero and heroine meeting in ecstasy.
7) Making him feel exclusive and special
It’s important to make your man know that he’s exclusive and that you care about him in a special and unique way.
How you do this is basically up to you.
If you want to embrace your traditionally feminine side and bake him the greatest lasagna of all time with a special dessert, who am I to stop you?
There are all sorts of ways to make your guy feel like he’s one of a kind. Just make sure to be easygoing and heartfelt about it.
Here’s the bottom line…
These tips really work.
I’ve done them in my own love life and seen amazing results.
I have a long-time on-again, off-again boyfriend as people call it and the last five years have been brutal. I struggled for years with body image and wondering whether he truly found me attractive.
In the mirror, you would probably say I looked fine. My friends said I was stunning.
But it didn’t matter how many friends praised me. I needed to hear it from my guy. He said I looked good, but he was pretty non-expressive. I knew he’d been flirting with other girls and seeing a few while we were in our off times.
It hurt, I won’t lie.
My self-confidence was shaky and I was wondering how to get this guy committed.
Thankfully, I was smart enough to know that pushing him would drive him away for good.
Then I found out how to access his hero instinct
Talking with a friend one night I was given a tip about how Bauer’s theories had helped out her love life after a divorce.
I checked it out and was pleasantly surprised. This wasn’t politically correct crap, it was a logical and old school without being ignorant.
His Secret Obsession gave practical examples and talked to me in a language I could understand. I began implementing its tips and found out that they actually were pretty effective.
Not everything worked, but enough of Bauer’s theory did work that I was very pleased!
What I liked and what I didn’t like
Let me start by saying that overall I loved His Secret Obsession and I recommend it to anyone.
Even those who have a mainly good relationship can learn a lot from what Bauer teaches in this book.
With that said, I put together this small list of pros and cons so you can get an idea about whether this book is worth buying (hint: it is).
- Bauer backs up his claims with scientific facts, evolutionary psychology and cutting-edge social science research
- This book is a multi-year bestseller and is popular among women and couples of many ages and walks of life
- His Secret Obsession has a 60-day guarantee, so if you don’t like it or find it doesn’t meet your expectations you can easily return it
- Bauer turns many conventional ideas about romance and attraction on their head and the book helps you see how a lot of popular ideas about relationships are just flat-out wrong
- His Secret Obsession is written in a way that’s not full of jargon or big words
- The book is suitable for women and couples
- His Secret Obsession is only available online as an e-edition, whereas I sometimes prefer physical books
- The ideas may challenge some of your preconceived ideas about masculinity and femininity
- The book does require a fair bit of focus to understand what Bauer’s saying
Can James Bauer really help you find love?
I believe he can. The reason I believe in Bauer’s ability to solve your love challenges is simple:
He did it for me.
Reading and understanding His Secret Obsession was a total game-changer for my love life and for my self-confidence as a whole.
My on-again, off-again bf is now a fully on bf, and I believe that Bauer is a big part of the reason I’m now able to say that.
His Secret Obsession made me see the ways in which our relationship was off-kilter and how I could alter my behavior even in very subtle ways to turn everything around. It worked and I’m grateful.
There’s plenty of advice out there about relationships and love, but to be frank, most of it is balderdash.
Bauer is not dispensing the typical hogwash here. He’s telling you what you need to know whether you want to hear it or not. If you ask me, that’s what counts.
There are plenty of other books you could turn to if you want to hear predictable, New Age stuff about relationships.
But if you want gritty, real, practical relationship advice Bauer should be your number one stop.
I highly recommend that you look into James Bauer and his remarkable work on relationships. This stuff is real and it works. I wouldn’t bother writing this if not.
There’s so much untapped potential that many people have in their relationships and love life.
One of the things that makes me saddest is seeing couples who could have been so amazing but end up splitting up anyway.
At the same time, I love seeing those who’ve been able to put Bauer’s teachings into practice and seen amazing results.
I encourage you to watch a free video on James Bauer’s hero instinct here.
This video goes through all the common problems of relationships and then gets into why the hero instinct is so often the missing piece that can put your love life back together.
Can a gifted advisor help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to someone with special intuition.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Psychic Source when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into what my future holds, and the confidence to make the right decisions when it comes to love.
If you haven’t heard of Psychic Source before, it’s a site where gifted advisors help people through complicated and difficult life situations.
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