“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
A powerful line from the movie The Perks Of Being A Wallflower that surely struck a chord to a lot of people.
Why? Because it is so incredibly true.
“Settling” is another depressing word that is now popular in our millennial vocabulary.
But it’s not only a term — it has become common practice in modern dating. So many people “settle” for relationships that aren’t good for them because they think that the alternative — being single — is much, much worse.
What is settling?
What does it mean to settle for a relationship?
It can be difficult to ascertain what is settling compared to the good old “compromise” when it comes to dating and relationships.
But there is a huge difference.
According to life coach John Kim:
“Settling doesn’t mean letting go of preferences. We all have things we prefer but don’t always get, and that’s not enough to end a relationship. If someone loses their job, hair, or abs, that doesn’t mean you’re settling.
Settling means letting go of things that are important to who you are, what you believe in, how you would like to be treated and loved, and this other part called magic, which I’ll get into in a bit. We settle when we start compromising ourselves and our own needs.”
At an early age, we are programmed to tie our worth with our ability to find a partner. We are told that we are not complete until we find our other “half.”
This has made us so desperate for validation, that we even settle for toxicity. We jump from relationship to relationship. And we continue wasting our time with the wrong people because being single means we failed.
On the other hand, those who do refuse to settle are labeled “picky” or “unrealistic.” They are urged to “lower” their standards.
But why shouldn’t you fall for this stigma? Why is it so important to be with someone who knows your worth?
1. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship.
You don’t deserve being constantly lied to. And you absolutely don’t deserve to be with someone who makes you feel insecure. You should be with someone honest. Someone who values you so much that they wouldn’t do anything to willingly hurt you.
Author Juliana Breines Ph.D. says:
“Given the importance of social connection to our well-being, it is understandable that we seek out intimate relationships, but when fear of being alone drives our romantic decisions, it can lead us to exercise poor judgment and to choose relationships that are unlikely to last, that make us depressed, or even leave us vulnerable to abuse.”
You need the kind of love that doesn’t make you doubt your worth or makes you think you deserve to be treated badly.
Life is too short to be with someone that doesn’t make you better in every way. You deserve the kind of love that empowers you. Not the kind that devalues you.
2. You deserve to be loved for who you are.
You shouldn’t have to change for love.
In fact, you shouldn’t have to compromise who you are just to have it.
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You need to be with someone who sees you as you are and loves you for the entirety of it – the good, the bad, the quirky.
Don’t be with anyone who wants to change you to suit their ideals. You don’t have to convince anyone to love you. They should love you for all that you are.
3. You deserve true, genuine love.
You need to be with someone who will give you true love. Something that is built to last.
You should have a life partner. Someone who will be with you through thick and thin. Someone who uplifts you and supports you in your goals, not someone who prevents you from achieving them.
You need to be with someone who knows that relationships are work and they can be tough, but as long as you are together, you can get through all of it.
You should be with someone who is in it for the long haul.
4. You deserve to be cherished.
You should be with a person who recognizes that there isn’t anyone like you. Someone who appreciates how unique you are.
You deserve to be cherished for all of the amazing things you do. And most of all, you should be with someone who works hard at reminding you every day that you’re special, capable, and worthy. Especially on the bad days.
You deserve to be with someone who chooses you over and over.
5. You deserve to be with someone who is ready.
No more compromising. You shouldn’t love someone for their “potential.” Instead, you deserve to be with someone who is completely ready to love and be loved.
You should be with someone who is willing to take the plunge with you. Someone who has the courage for the crazy journey ahead.
You shouldn’t feel the need to compensate for the other person’s lack of effort. Be with someone who will put out as much effort as you do.
Because at the end of the day, you shouldn’t feel like you’re grasping for straws. You should stop chasing for the wrong kind of love.
You should only accept the best kind of love because you are worthy of it.
Being single could give you the space to grow
One of the major reasons why a lot of people settle for “lesser” relationships is their extreme fear of being alone.
For a lot of people, being single is synonymous to “giving up.” But the truth is, choosing to be single is not at all an act of surrender.
In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It’s an act of healing and growth. It means you’re choosing yourself above anything else.
According to psychologist Dr. Nikki Martiniez:
“I think being single is an exercise that every person should go through at some point in their adult life.
“It is a time that gives us the distance and clarity that we need to get to know who we truly are as a person, and to firmly define what it is that we want in a future partner.”
Don’t be scared of being alone. It might not look like the best option, but you’ll realize it is the far better option to being in a relationship that doesn’t have the magic you deserve.