“If you love someone but rarely make yourself available to him or her, that is not true love”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Guys don’t always say what they mean, whether it’s unintentional or not.
Sometimes, it’s a case of miscommunication where a man has trouble expressing himself, and you get the wrong message.
For instance, he could be fresh out of a relationship and didn’t know what he was getting into when started going out with you.
He might have thought at first that he was ready to commit, but somewhere down the line he realized that he couldn’t give you what you wanted.
And as he’s working out his feelings, he’ll give you what’s usually known as “mixed signals”.
Then there are times when he knows exactly what he wants, and will do anything to get it…
…even if it means lying to your face.
He’ll charm you into bed, then split the scene once he’s gotten what he wanted.
Either way, it’s NOT the kind of love you’re after.
So how do you know if he’s not feeling “all that” about being with you, whatever reason it may be?
And how do you spot signs of true love so you don’t waste your time on the WRONG guy?
Personally, I don’t believe in any of that mixed signals business. No matter what he says, it’s always his actions and behavior that tell the real story.
Witt that, here are the 8 biggest signs to help you know whether he feels a deep, heartfelt love for you…
…or he’s just taking you for a ride.
Bear in mind that you can spot these telltale clues in any guy, regardless of how long you’ve known him. These traits manifest on a deeper level for long-term relationships, and you’ll see early indications for a newer guy.
At any rate, you’d best find out as soon as possible – here we go…
Sign of True Love #1: You’re connected to him
You might hear some couples talking about the strong connection they have. They seem to know what the other is thinking, or even finish each other’s sentences.
It’s borderline psychic, and they swear there’s something supernatural going on.
But the real reason couples like them are so in tune is because they pay attention to each other.
There’s nothing complicated about it – they basically cultivate the habit of responding when one of them is trying to make a connection.
For example, you might say to your partner while you’re walking down the street, “Hey honey, check out that Prius with the Hello Kitty decals…I can’t decide if it’s cute or trashy!”
If he just ignores you or shrugs with an apathetic, “Hmm”, then the connection between you might not be as strong as you think.
But if he says something like, “Yeah, definitely trashy… that car’s perfect for you!” with a cheeky grin, then it means he’s really paying attention to you.
And it’s not just about pointing out something interesting to your partner. It can be more subtle, like bringing up a story and seeing how the other reacts, getting a quick opinion on your outfit, or asking for help with the laundry.
These are “small” ways couples try to connect with each other, and it takes practice for couples to get into this groove. You’ll see those who’ve been together for some time are naturally good at this.
On the other hand, a superficial kind of love doesn’t make the effort to make these little connections.
If a guy continuously brushes off your attempts to connect (and not because he just happens to be having a bad day), then he might not be that into the relationship as you think.
Sign of True Love #2: It’s all about clarity
When a guy isn’t really in love, it’s not really important to him whether he’s sending a clear message or not.
What do I mean by this?
Well for starters, he has the habit of letting you know at the last minute if he can’t make it or he’s running late.
And when you’re not together, it usually feels like he’s gone off the grid.
You don’t hear from him for long stretches of time, and he won’t bother to let you know what’s going on with him.
Even if he seems like the most charming, fun and sweet guy when you are together – especially in bed…
…he probably isn’t that committed if his actions outside of that are ambiguous.
True love is the opposite of that, which means he’ll leave no room for you to wonder if he’s going to flake out on you or not.
He’s going to make sure that the way he communicates with you is absolutely clear and “on the level”.
True Love Sign #3: He actually cares about being TOGETHER
With a relationship purely based on lust, there’s little to no effort involved when it comes to doing things that bring a couple closer.
There’s that “I’ll see you when I see you” kind of vibe, and you don’t feel any sort of GROWTH between you.
A man who’s in love is going to make sure he gets to spend time with you, even if he has to rearrange his whole schedule.
And it’s a sure sign he’s super serious if these are ritual type of activities, and not just getting busy between the sheets.
When a guy’s creating shared experiences, he’s also interested in forming a richer, DEEPER connection with you.
It’s not always about going on a weekend getaway or bungee jumping…
…but rather smaller things like huddling together for a weekend Netflix marathon or a Wednesday brunch.
Real love isn’t always focused on chasing the “high” that comes with romance, but also creating a stable routine that forms the foundation of your relationship.
True Love Sign #4: He’s not afraid to push your limits
Couples who truly care for each other aren’t worried about being likeable or agreeable all the time.
If they have a difference of opinion, they can handle the fact that they don’t see eye-to-eye on it – especially when it comes to “dealbreaker” kind of topics.
More importantly, they can give their HONEST thoughts on the matter, even if it’s the polar opposite of what the other person believes.
Someone who’s more interested in a one-shot kind of deal (rather than being in it for the long run) isn’t going to risk rocking the boat.
He’ll be in politician mode, saying and doing everything to keep the good times rolling.
He’s thinking, “What’s the point of being honest about it if it’s going to piss her off?”
But a man in love isn’t as worried about the ups and downs, or the disagreements…
…because he’s more interested in knowing the REAL you…
…even if it means having to iron out the kinks.
He knows it’s a messy process, but he doesn’t mind.
Amanda, a friend of mine was telling me about her husband, Donnie:
“You know, at first I thought he was kind of a jerk for being so straight up with me. But he always respected me even though we disagreed on something.”
Then she added, “And if I messed up in some way, he called me out on it without making me feel bad. I’d get mad at Donnie before, but now I respect him for not just telling me what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to.”
True Love Sign #5: He meets you halfway…or MORE than that
We all know relationships are about give and take, but a guy in love is way more interested in GIVING than taking.
And when he gives, you’re 100% sure there’s no strings attached. He does it because he wants to, and it doesn’t matter how much he gets back in return.
Real love doesn’t keep score, so your guy isn’t going to bring up the time he waited half an hour because you had a last-minute emergency at work, or that he had to cancel poker night with the guys to see you.
Superficial relationships usually have self-serving agendas (i.e. sex, money, bragging rights).
When a guy is more concerned about having the favor returned, you’ll feel it …
…even if he doesn’t say something like, “I did this for you, now what are you going to do for me?”
Furthermore, a guy who isn’t really in love tends to be more selfish about his preferences.
He’ll likely insist on the stuff he likes rather than asking what you want.
It could be small stuff like where to eat, which movie to watch, or if you prefer the window or aisle seat on the plane.
It could also be things on a larger scale, like deciding where the relationship’s headed.
Fickle (a.k.a. Fake) love doesn’t really do well with making room for compromise, and couples are likely to split over this.
Discover why men pull away – and make sure he’ll NEVER leave you.
True Love Sign #6: Your guy has “tunnel vision”
You can tell a guy’s in love with you if he’s trying to imply that you’re “different” from other women.
He’ll make you feel special – it’s as if you’re the only one that exists in his world.
Men interested in a serious, committed relationship are looking for that one girl who stands above the rest.
And if he thinks you’re The One, he WILL drop some hints to let you know.
Chances are he’ll be indirect about it because men often have trouble expressing themselves emotionally.
Feelings aren’t as familiar territory to them as it is for women (although there are exceptions of course).
That’s why it’s a bit of a challenge for him to untangle something as complex as LOVE.
So he’ll try to let you know by saying something along the lines of “You’re not like other women” or “I’ve never met anyone like you.”
Someone who doesn’t feel as strongly for you won’t ever approach this topic.
That’s because he’s not as focused – or I might even say “obsessed” – with you.
True Love Sign #7: He’s always there for you
Most women have a little trouble figuring this one out.
But if you pay attention to his actions, there may be clues that he’s not just in it for the physical intimacy.
If he’s constantly doing big AND small stuff for you, it’s his way of letting you know about this true feelings.
A lot of guys are more of doers than tellers when it comes to love.
Also, chances are it’s the real deal if he’s taking note of the small details about you and putting them to good use later on.
Maybe he knows how much you’re into badly made horror movies, for instance.
Then he’ll surprise you with a couple of tickets for a midnight screening of that cult classic you were telling him about the other week.
All this means your happiness is important to him…
…and any guy worth being with doesn’t feel 100% like a man if he’s not doing enough to take care of you.
A guy who doesn’t care, won’t bother remembering those vital pieces of information. And he won’t lift a finger to make you happy unless it benefits him in some way.
True Love Sign #8: He’s part of your life – and not just the fun parts
Another way to tell he’s in love with you if he’s going out of his way to be part of your world.
You might notice him trying to find out what you love doing, then tag along even though he’s not into it himself.
He’ll also be more than happy to meet the other people in your life because he wants to know you better.
Being with your friends and seeing you in action helps him understand what makes you tick.
A guy who’s only interested in doing the deed won’t be interested at all in seeing this other side of you.
It doesn’t serve him in any way, and he doesn’t need to take the relationship past sleeping with you.
Fake love crumbles when things get tough. He won’t muster the energy to get to know your passions and interests, and doesn’t care about the people important to you.
Doing this takes time and effort. Whether or not he goes through this trouble is the real yardstick of his feelings for you.
If he’s willing to make sacrifices that he could have very well avoided…
…and he doesn’t stop trying even when things aren’t always great between you…
…then you’d better hold on to him tight.
This points to the fact that he’s tenacious in the face of adversity, which is more than I can say for the Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am kind of guys out there.
Whether you’ve just been seeing a guy, or you’ve known him for a long time, it’s never a good sign if it just seems like he’s phoning it in.
Maybe he used to show the signs that he’s got a solid commitment to you, but now you’re not so sure about your future with him.
It’s often hard to pinpoint exactly why men pull away all of a sudden.
But you don’t have to panic if your relationship’s going through this phase. There is a way to overcome the wall that men put up when they don’t feel that fire anymore.
What you need to do is understand how men think and get a good grasp of what makes them leave.
This video explains how to get around the problem of his emotional unavailability, and to make sure he doesn’t ever think of leaving.
Slade Shaw is the author of Why Men Pull Away
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